Week 5
I felt as if I should apologize for the tardiness of this newsletter for about a second, then realized that you Fuck-nuts don't do anything for the FFL at all, and the feeling went away. That being said, this week certainly was eventful and after my bout with the China Virus, I looked at the scores and realized we are nearing the halfway point of our 2020 season. Here is this weeks breakdown.
Team Broundon VS Team Mayo DeMaio
Team Broundon takes sucking ass to a new level during this week matchup against the clueless Mayos. It appears as though the Broundons thought the season ended with a victory last week, and barely showed up on time to the big game. It's safe to say that this teams manager is more concerned about how he's going to get the money together to buy the updated version of his Real Doll than actually showing up at the field. Safe to say the Gary is in play for this dum-dum.
Team Mayo DeMaio felt like a hero winning this game considering the owner was still sniffing the ass end of his underwear from the dirty clothes hamper mere minutes before the match-up. In exclusive tape obtained by Brutal Writer, it appeared as though there were plenty of clean undergarments sitting on a shelf in this mans bedroom. Not much to say about this actual game, it was agonizing to watch.
Team Riggs VS North Idaho Lone Wolf
Team Riggs pulled this victory off seemed like peeling a used condom off the floor next to his bed. It was pretty ugly, but the W went to the Riggs team this week against a newly struggling Lone Wolf. The luck will run out for these guys however, since the schedule only gets harder going forward. This owner needs to change his bedsheets soon, the blacklight is on it's way.
A season riddled with ups and downs continues to plague the Lone Wolfs. It appears as though the owner/manager of this team can't quite reach his life alert after falling in the bathtub a couple of weeks ago. The X-rays are expected to show a broken hip after this shellacking, but winning with a walker is plausible this week against a spiraling Rodda team.
Whiskey Drinkers VS Fresh Prince of Helaire
The Whiskey Drinkers continued the bender this week easily offing the Fresh Prince. Buying several rounds of drinks to show off to the bar patrons, proved a successful move against the corrupt commish of the league who also happens to be the coach of the Helaires. Muscling his way into a week two rule change gave a game changing moment for the Drinkers, as well as a new slot for quarterbacks. It's well known around the league that the entire season may be under suspicion if this team makes it to the championship.
The Fresh Prince of Helaire squad resembled a refurbished flesh light, still works, but is a little worn. Coming out hot, but ultimately falling to the Whiskey boys, Fresh Prince may have shot themselves in the foot for the season with shady business conducted by the owner/manager/commish of the team. This team could hold on for a playoff spot, but will look like Dak Prescotts leg on Sunday going in, (upside-down).
Bear Down VS Hotrodda rodda
Bear Down resembled a guy who lifted weights in his grandmas basement for a week, then felt strong enough to challenge a drunk street bum in an alley to a fight. The win was brutal, but against what has now become the creampuff of the FFL. As impressive as the score was, the owner must have felt like it was equivalent to making out with an octogenarian. (which he often does)
Hotrodda rodda missed the boat on this one and didn't even run down the dock trying to catch it. Becoming the first owner to start a player that was on a bye week must feel like meeting a super hot chick outside a bar who is begging to bang, but you can't get it up. Hopefully, this owner gets back from his vacation feeling less like the loser that he actually is. Goes to show you, putting in no effort equals poor reward.
Numero Uno St John VS MaT Ice
It looked like "take it in the butt Tuesday" watching this game. It was agonizing every second, but the pain let off a little as it felt more normal. I'm not sure the owner of this team knows how to speak Spanish at all, so I'll help. "Me Tomo Por El Culo St John" should be the name of this team for the rest of the season, there really is no hope for these stooges.
Nothing says the words "I'm a terribly assembled group of second class whores" much like MaT Ice. The week after week ass pounding this team takes is gruesome to watch. Talking politics with Flava Flav would be more interesting than spending one more second trying to come up with something quippy to say about the boys on MaT Ice. I'd rather spend the time watching geoduck porn.
Huge Fuzzyballs VS Brutal Master
Wow! the game of the week sure didn't let us down! Huge Fuzzyballs put in a petition to get it's name changed to "Silky Smooth Eunuck Scrotum" after this weeks whooping by the Godlike Brutal Master. What a disappointment this team turned out to be. The owner just realized this week that last season is now over, and that any victory that happened last year doesn't matter anymore. Spending most of the week hiding under his desk trying to give himself a blowjob while crying was hard to witness.
Three words for Brutal Master: Masterful, Beautiful, Angelic...Perfect.
-Brutal Writer
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