Week one

 

Thank you for checking out Brutal Newsletter.  I created this site so that the Findlay Fantasy Football League would have a place to see weekly updates on how things are going throughout the season.  This is purely informational, and no opinions are given unless they are completely fact checked.  I hope this will get to be a good type of forum for the other dip-shits (fact checked) in the league.  The first newsletter is the hardest, since only one game has been played, and the future will get us closer to a 2020 champion.  Here is a breakdown from week one:

Team Broundon VS Team Riggs:

I have to admit that this game was hard to watch.  I won't start with the fact that Team Broundon would have won the "Dumbass of the Week" award for starting the geriatric Tom Brady, over superstar quarterback Russell Wilson if it existed. I'd rather start with this:

Clearly Team Broundons fatal mistake was what we call in most intelligent circles, "the Brady Boner effect".  This is when a team manager gets a boner over an old timer switching teams, thinking that ole Tom wouldn't need Belichick to get the W.  I think I can speak for most of us when I say Team Broundons baby hard-on wasn't missed since we couldn't see it anyway.

Team Riggs hit the Jackpot playing a similar strategy, but without Rodgers doing a team switch.  Mr. Discount Double Check had a great game. Look to see Team Riggs holding his own throughout the season as long as he doesn't forget he is a manager half-way through like he did last year.

Whiskey Drinkers VS Team Mayo Demaio:

It appears as though Whiskey Drinkers may have slipped his entire team a nip of the good stuff opening week.  As the only team that scored under 100 points in week one,  it appears as though the Drinkers may be sitting at the bar yelling at their girlfriends over the phone for the remainder of the season, but don't count them out yet, as "puke and rally" still is a thing.

Team Mayo Demaio wins this week, with his biggest strength so far was drawing the worst opponent.  Chalk it up to luck, but Team Mayo may only have luck to bet on, being as his team pretty much looks like a shit show waiting to happen.  Don't put any money on this guy, he's riding on a unicorn that's most likely going to get hit in the chest by a Tomahawk Missile fired by North Idaho Lonewolf this week.

 Fresh Prince of Helaire VS North Idaho Lonewolf

A great early start looked promising for the Fresh Prince, but the higher you are, the further the fall, so to say.  The week started off well for the team, but a couple of guys, who where up to no good, started making trouble in his neighborhood as the week progressed.  The Fresh Princes manager may want to move to Belaire just to save face, as his week went to hell.

Defending champ, North Idaho Lonewolf, showed why they are the champs by whooping up on the mediocre Helaires.  If I was a betting man, I'd look for Lonewolf to go far this year, as the manager has extreme experience due to his age.

Huge Fuzzyballs VS Bear Down

This game should have been called the "Toilet Bowl", as it was that uninteresting to watch.

Huge Fuzzyballs apparently was preoccupied with trying to get his testicles to reach his butthole, as his team performed dismally in front of our eyes.  He didn't even know he lost until the "Fuzzyballs" got close enough to touch the bung, but he just giggled with the tickle and watched the team get lucky with a few points while Bear Down refused to even give them a reach around.  This is possibly the worst team this year. (fact check)

Bear Down didn't do much better but was given a gift with a great performance by Green Bays RB.  It appears as though Bear Down's strategy was to draft a bunch of 16 year old girls to play.  If I was the manager of this team, I would give it up now before being embarrassed week after week.

MaT Ice VS Hotrodda rodda

MaT Ice looks like they could get some wins this year, but failed in week one to even beat the auto-drafting  manager of his opponent.  If the team does a little shuffling this week, he might get the W over the already struggling Bear Down, but the outcome is up in the air since it's clear the owner of this team struggles with even knowing how to spell his own name.

Hotrodda rodda, squeaked out a win that sounded like an 80 year old mans fart.  There is something to be said about not knowing what you are doing, but I doubt it will last given that this manager was almost convinced to sit out his defense in case they might lose points during the Monday night game.  This is the kind of thing that could materialize like a first time poker player taking the pot because he doesn't know what the fuck he is doing.

Numero Uno St John VS Brutal Master

Clearly the game of the week:

Numero Uno St John has already petitioned the league for a name change to "Numero Dos".  It was a little sad to watch to carnage unfold as the team was aptly brutally mastered by the team that is likely to win the trophy in this years league.  I hate to use the word embarrassing, but it seemed like  Brutal Master didn't even try until the Monday night games.

Brutal Master, this years favorite to win it all, showed poise, grace, and genius during this weeks games. It's fairly clear at this point that the manager of this team is the smartest of them all. (fact checked).  The "Master" is likely to destroy the Hotrodda rodda's in this weeks matchup.  Hotroddas manager probably won't notice until the damage is done, his attention span is as good as his team.

Stay tuned, week two is upon us